Kaeyin’s Reflection
Heyo, Kae here. This is my first time in a long time to write a blog (I wrote fictional lore for a game character but it was just based on my imagination how I wrote the story for them). It’s almost been a year that I’ve joined in this HJP foray and it’s been many ups and downs, many tears, sweat and frustration happening. When I first joined as an “officer,” I didn’t know what to do honestly. Many things went into chaos like the house was burning with a lot of problems here and there. But honestly, it was Heather’s tenacity that kept us moving forward and solve the problems bit by bit by discussing with all of us.
For our Beloved Captain, Heather.
At first, I feel very skeptical about your leadership. You had so many lofty goals yet want to be very positive all the time so I felt very doubtful about that. BUT, when I complained about a lot of stuff, you were very open and very level-headed more than I’ve ever known. You’re very composed and mature. I know all those can sometimes be tiring because I was used to wearing masks that I didn’t want. Many times you’ve helped me during my dark times. You’re one of the most kindhearted people I’ve met. Of course, Tom helped me too. You guys are fantastic people. And I thank you for giving me this space for me to grow and be more confident in myself and everything (I swear I’m NOT crying while writing this).
To be honest, this community is something I had WANTED for so long. A chance for me to grow and not have to just obey and listen to people who are wayyy more experienced than me. In previous experiences, I just had to sit down, shut up, and not talk. My input wasn’t appreciated. But in HJP, I feel equal. I remember very well that my first time breaking my shell was hosting the very first HJP event: Treasure Maps night. I honestly felt very complacent at that time, feeling not confident on talking too much to a bunch of strangers. But I had a weapon of myself that people might not have: my ability to MEMORIZE the pictures. So before the event, I worked to memorize EVERY map’s details in the world of Eorzea. Of course, sometimes it can be invalid because I’m not a robot. But I gave it all my energy, my everything at 110%, hoping everyone could enjoy the event even though I’m very timid and my English and my accent are very laughable. But when the event was over and everyone had fun, I was so happy. I was overjoyed. My effort didn’t go to waste at all. And since then, I’ve followed Heather to whatever she cooks for the future and I’m glad I stayed.
Being Clan Nutsy’s Leader.
This was my first time ever as a Raid Leader and it was very, very scary. My previous experience for doing raids were very… muted I’d say. In the past, everyone would get annoyed that my mic was still open. They didn’t use “push to talk” for Discord so all of their voices were echoing badly and I was forced to mute myself. That made it so I was unable to just hang out, talk, and ask questions like a normal person. Instead, I had to type what I needed to say. It was very frustrating to be honest and made me want to quit for even trying to jump into raids at all with other people. They were scary. They were not welcoming.
But then I braved myself to step forward and break my fear, all thanks to Marky Mark who is the best person who loves jokes. And I can’t thank you enough for that. We named our group “Clan Nutsy” in tribute for Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, the game that I enjoyed so much.
We’ve been raiding for like 6 months and to be honest, I’m proud of my team’s tenacity and everything they did to me. Recently, I’ve been hit with a brick of depressions and it made me not want to do callouts. I felt like going back to my old self when I felt very depressed. I know Heather always tells me and others that “if there’s ANYTHING you want to talk about, whether complaining or anything, please don’t hesitate to DM me, I’d be willing to help in any way.” To be honest, I really want to tell her about my current state of condition but she helped me A LOT. Like A LOT so I don’t want to bother her at all, especially since she’s dealing a lot with paperwork for HJP becoming a nonprofit.
And then I received this gift from my teammates.
I’m speechless and I’m crying like a river that my teammates that i care AND loved SO MUCH turned out to care and love me so much too. I had no words but being blessed to have these people as my teammates (I know this might sound very cringey or cheesy, especially if you think “it’s just a game”). Thank you everyone, thank you guys. And now Clan Nutsy is entering our long break because everyone feels gassed out. Hopefully our break won’t be too long and we can regroup and catch up with the menu we need to reach our goal to have the ULTIMATE title by fighting UWU (Ultima Weapon Ultimate).
For people who read this, I’m very sorry if this blog is very long and lengthy. I didn’t mean for it to be this long. For closing, my wish is, Let’s set sail to another unknown journey again altogether!
Tomorrow Comes (from Expedition 33)
-Kaeyin Se
